Carolyn, I'd like to thank you for making yourself available to With the current labour action going on at UBC, I know you're a busy guy.
Hey, no problem Erwin. I think you might have missed it, but the TA strike has been over for, what, about maybe 6 months now? I mean, yeah, I certainly was a busy person back then. It actually kind of sucked. A lot. But anyway, that's all over now and I'm glad I've got time to do this cool interview you've created with questions designed specifically for me. I'm pretty excited about doing this, and can't wait to see what questions you've made up for me.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me a guy though.

Why don't you tell our readers what you're studying at UBC?
Sure! I'm doing my MSc in Physical Geography, actually Climatology…well, Urban Climatology to be more specific….um, well, actually it's evaporation in an urban environment, you know, atmospheric water vapor type stuff thingie...
Hey. You still awake?

As your lovely fiancée alluded to in her interview, you're from New Zealand. What differences have you seen between Canada and your native land? Any similarities?
Ha ha! You sure are a joker there Erwin! Ha ha! Yeah, um, I don't have a fiancée. I mean, I know you guys like to picture us women together, you know, doing stuff, pillow fights, nighties, but seriously, I'm into guys. Plus anyway, you know I'm from the US, right? I mean, I might have mentioned at some point that I did live in New York State for a year and a half, but we moved from there when I was nine, and I frankly can't see how you'd mix up New York with New Zealand. Plus I don't have a New Zealand accent, so that should give you a clue. I'll just figure it was a typo. Anyway, I'm from Arizona, I case you forgot, and the biggest difference I can see is that it rains a lot here. In Arizona, not so much. Also, people here say funny things like "aboot", and have coins called "loonies". One of the biggest similarities I've found is that I get sunburned here too. Oh, and people speak English! Who would have thought it? Here I am in another country, and people speak English!

You're a big Lord of the Rings fan I understand. What does it mean to you to have a fellow New Zealander making the movies and shooting it in New Zealand?
Ok, now I can see it really wasn't a typo, and you really do think I'm from New Zealand. I don't know where you got that idea, but I'm not from New Zealand. I'm from Arizona. Let's get that clear. Anyway, I do love the Lord of the Rings, and I think it's awesome that it was filmed in New Zealand. It was a perfect setting for the movie and had the desired effect of transporting the viewer to another world. It also made me want to visit New Zealand some day. Yeah, maybe I can go visit my family there, since I'm FROM there and all. HA HA HA! *sigh*

We've had this debate privately before, but I'd like to share it with our readers here. You own a Lord of the Rings t-shirt. Now that you're engaged, I think you've been given full license to wear that shirt wherever and whenever you want. After all, you don't have anyone to impress anymore, you've found your love. You could wear black socks and sandals and Lord of the Rings t-shirts everyday and Marcia would still love you. In a way, I'm envious. What's your comment on this?
What the hell are you talking about? Damn, Erwin, if I didn't know you better, I'd think you were asking me someone else's interview questions. Ok, FYI, I do NOT own a LOTR shirt. I also don't recall ever talking with you about this hypothetical shirt, and even if I DID have said shirt, fiancé or no (Note that I said fiancé, not fiancée, because I'M INTO GUYS you perv!), I'd probably keep wearing the shirt as long as I still liked it and stop wearing it only when I stopped liking it. I figure if someone's going to love me, they'll have to love my weird quirks as well, so might as well get that out into the open, right?

When are you going to get a new computer?
The one I have is only a year old, so I haven't really been thinking of getting a new one. Why, are you getting a job at Future Shop or something?

My sources tell me you like to get up at unGodly early hours. Why are you waking up when you could still be sleeping in a warm and soft bed?
Your sources are unreliable. I am almost never up at ungodly early hours, and if I am, I'm not liking it and would much prefer staying in my warm soft bed. If I am up that early, it usually means I have not slept the night before. If you ever do see me at breakfast earlier than 8:30am, you can pretty much bet I'm sleep-deprived and jacked up on caffeine and likely to say lots of amusingly nonsensical things. I might wax poetical on Pop-Tarts for all I know.

Which leads me to the question of why we are never served Pop-Tarts at breakfast. Do they not have Pop-Tarts in Canada? I'd totally eat a whole pile of them! Oh. That's probably why they don't serve them. Have to keep me away from the Froot Loops as it is. Am I the only one who LOVES the spelling if Froot Loops? It makes you want to say "Froooooot Loops!!". FROOOOOOOOOOT LOOOOOOOOPS!!!! I'm guessing I am probably alone in this.

If you had it your way, would I be at your wedding?
Sure. You seem like a fun guy and likely to say something memorable on video camera at a wedding, especially if you've had a few glasses of champagne. I don't know when or if I'm ever going to get married, but if I do, consider yourself invited.
I'm kind of wondering though about your seeming fixation on fiancées and weddings. Are you feeling your biological clock ticking? If you ever need to chat, you know, I'm just down the hall. I feel your pain, brother. You need a shoulder, you just come on by. Don't forget to bring carrot cake though. Or at least the icing. Yeah, forget the cake, just bring me a big ol' tub of that icing. And a spoon. Now that's good eatin', I tell you what!

Below is a picture of three women. If you could pick one, who would you want me to go out on a date with?

Interesting question! I think I'd like to see you go out on a date with the Amelie girl. She's cute and kinda quirky, and you're cute and kinda quirky, and I think you two would hit it off really well. Plus she just looks like a nice girl that you could take home to meet the family and everyone would love her to death, including you.

That model-looking chick on the upper left looks like the type that would just get men to spend money on her until there was no more to spend, then lose them like yesterday's LOTR shirt. She looks mean.
And Bea Arthur is just way too old for you. That'd just be scary. I don't know what you were thinking with that one. Can you say "oedipus complex"? You might want to get that checked out, maybe switch medications? What with that and the whole New Zealand thing, I'm thinking maybe your doc has misdiagnosed you. How's that whole paranoid schizophrenia thing doing, anyway?

We talked about going to a strip joint in early September. Do you think we'll ever go to one?
*sigh* Erwin. I'm trying not to lose my temper here. I understand it's your standard male fantasy, and it's fun for you to think about these things, but seriously, not all women are bicurious, ok?!?
Um, well, actually I did go to one once though. It was for my boyfriend at the time. He wanted to go and his friend wanted to go and his friend's girlfriend was going and it was really late, and…well, I'd never been to one. Plus it was free for women to get in. I thought it would be interesting to see what it was like. It was kind of weird to me. It was kind of like being in the locker room before a dance recital or something. The women just casually walk around mostly naked, not doing much but just walking around being mostly naked until it's time for them to get on stage and become even more mostly naked. It's weird. I haven't been to one since and don't really have any desire to. Once was enough.
But as for you and I going to one, I don't remember ever talking about that. I must either have a horrible memory, or you really don't remember ANY of our conversations, so you're just making up crap. I tell you what, bub, if this interview keeps going like this, I can guarantee that you and I will NEVER go to a strip joint. And I'm reconsidering that wedding invitation.

Would you believe I've never gone to a strip joint?
It's not that surprising, really. If I were a guy, I wouldn't be spending my hard earned cash to have some chick get me all worked up and not be able to do anything with her. It seems like that would just suck like something that really sucks a whole lot. I'd rather watch porn. It's cheaper.

If we went to a strip joint, would you wear your Lord of the Rings t-shirt for me?
Dammit, Erwin!!! GOD, you're a perv! Number one, now we are definitely NOT going to a strip club together. Number two, I told you I don't have a LOTR shirt… and I certainly wouldn't wear it at a strip club even if I did. I don't know what kind of sick, twisted fantasy you're developing here, involving me, a strip club, a LOTR shirt and Bea Arthur, but that can stop RIGHT NOW.

Unless maybe if Bea wears the shirt.

But she can't touch me.

And I'm not touching her.

In fact, I don't even want to SEE her or know she's there at all, because she's just … I dunno … EW!

I feel violated.

Yeah, that's a definite no.

You're currently on strike as a TA here at UBC. How do you feel about being on strike and how do you feel about how UBC has acted thus far in negotiations?
Well, as I pointed out earlier, the strike ended like 6 months ago, and I'm back TAing again. In fact, I'll be teaching two labs on Thursday. I'm still pretty bitter about the strike. I felt that the UBC administration behaved rather poorly, and I am left with the feeling that UBC is not a university, but a corporation. In fact, the only reason I am TAing this term is because I want the teaching experience. If I didn't plan to teach as part of my future (hopefully) career, I would not have accepted another TA position here at UBC and would have relied on alternate funding. I was so negatively affected by the strike, in fact, that I decided I no longer want a PhD. I don't want to teach in a "corporation", and that's what it seems that today's universities are becoming. I'd rather teach at a junior college.

Do you remember the first time you met me?
I don't remember the very first time I met you, but I do recall the first time I had any real interaction with you, which was during the room crawl of fall 2002. You were pretty drunk, and were babbling quite a bit. Lindsay kept trying to get you to shut up, but she had no luck. It was pretty amusing.

For me.

Do you remember what we talked about?
I think you were fixated on the idea that you were drunk and talking too much. You kept talking about how you were talking too much.

And drunk.

Did I mention that you were drunk?

You and I play on possibly the worst ball hockey team to have ever been fielded at UBC. I know you've never played hockey before. What's your experience been like playing Canada's game?
Ok, you were doing pretty well for a while, but now we're back to WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ERWIN?!!? We don't play hockey together. You know this. I've never played hockey with you in my life. Not once. Not ever.

I did play it a few times in Phys. Ed in Junior High, but that was a long time ago and you certainly weren't there. In fact, I think I actually liked it. I think it was actually one of the few sports that I didn't completely suck at in school. But when it came down to it, I didn't like the whole whacking other people with sticks and hurting them thing, so other than during gym class, when I was forced into competitive sports against my will, I never played it.

I've never been to breakfast here at SJC. Can you tell me what it's like?
I've been missing it a lot lately too. Sometimes I sleep too late and other times it hardly seems worth the walk across the courtyard. There are way too many carbs served at breakfast, I can tell you that much. On Wednesdays and Thursdays there are no eggs, and on the days when they do have eggs, they usually limit it to one egg per person. I'd really like to have more than one egg for breakfast. Egg has 3 letters, you know. I'd be happier of I could eat 3 of them.

Conversation can be fun at breakfast, but too often breaks down into raisin throwing chaos. I feel sorry for whoever cleans up after breakfast. It's all the carbs they serve. If they'd serve more protein, I'll bet the raisin throwing would decrease. I'm going to do a scientific study to prove that, and then they'll see. You'll all see. You'll be sorry then! All of you!

You're the only person I know who can read 100 page in a night and actually get something out of it. Tell us your secret.
I don't know where you got the idea that I can do this, but it's so far from the truth it's not even funny. Seriously. It's not funny Erwin. I'm getting tears in my eyes now, thinking how much you've totally gotten wrong about me. I thought we were friends. I thought you at least knew one or two things about me. I thought maybe you'd ask me something about my love of the color red and how it has 3 letters, about how the planet Mars is red and has 4 letters, about how very few names have three letters (Ben is lucky enough to be the possessor of a 3 letter name), and no other color that I can think of has 3.

Blue has 4. green has 5. Yellow, purple and orange all have 6, but I guess those are kind of ok too because you know 6 is just 3 times 2.

I learned that 3 times 2 is 6, and 2 times 3 is also 6. They're both just different ways to say 3 plus 3!! I couldn't believe it when I learned that. Truly amazing and useful, really. I can read ok, I guess, but certainly not 100 pages in a night. Sometimes I have to read the same sentence 3 times before I understand all the words. I love 3.

What's your preference, a really good hot dog, or a really good slice of pizza?
Well, hot and dog both have 3 letters, but pizza has two 'z's in it, which is a really cool letter. Plus pizza fills you up better than a hot dog. You have to eat like 5 hot dogs to get the same happy tummy feeling you'd get with one good slice of 'za.

You know something funny about Canada? You guys say 'zed' for the letter z. That's funny! Who would have thought it?!?!

Betty or Veronica?
Would you cool it with the damn bicurious crap already? Plus, THEY'RE CARTOONS!! Hello!?!? I've never understood that seemingly exclusively male thing of thinking sexually about cartoons. I don't think I've ever wanted a male cartoon character. Ever. Of course, that could be because all the male cartoon characters I've ever seen are repulsive…or it could be because I know they're NOT REAL.

How's that whole paranoid schizophrenia thing doing, anyway?

I've been playing the lottery lately. Could you give me six numbers for Lotto 6/49?
3 33 2 23 6 32

If you win with them, I demand a share of the winnings.

You've played rugby once or twice before, can you tell us about your worst injury suffered during play?
Oh my god. You are SO delusional. Seriously, you need help. Well, just to indulge you, even though I have never played rugby, the closest I ever came to a rugby injury happened at this bar I went to in Germany. A lot of American service men were in the city and a group had gone out drinking on the same night my friends and I went out. One of my friends and I were standing at the bar when, unbeknownst to me, a fight between a couple of these jarheads broke out near us. Before I even knew what was happening, one of the guys took a swing at the other guy, who was right by me. He completely missed the guy and punched me instead, right in the ribs. I took a full on guy punch in the ribs. It knocked the wind out of me and tears started flowing almost instantaneously, but it was more like my eyes were watering uncontrollably than anything else. I couldn't have cried if I'd wanted to. I couldn't even breathe. I was making scary kind of wheezing noises, but no air would go into my lungs. That sucked like something that sucks a whole lot, I tell you what. That spot in my ribs hurt for months too. I should have had it checked out, probably, but I rarely go to the doctor unless I think I'm going to die. I'm weird like that.

Have you ever been caught naked in public?
Define "caught".

Nic, on behalf of everyone here at, we'd like to thank you for answering our questions. Before wrapping this up, is there anything you'd like to say to the other readers of
Right. The severity of your mental disorder is made clearer by the obvious misuse of "we". You do realize that you're the only one that runs, right? I was starting to feel hurt that maybe you had just recycled someone else's interview questions because you couldn't be bothered to make specific ones for me because you just don't care about me enough, but now I'm beginning to understand that it's not me, it's you.

I've always wanted to say that. It's NOT me, it's YOU. Go. Go seek the help you need, young You've got a lot of potential and I'd hate to see it wasted on pointless personality disorders like this.


And to all the readers out there, please, help Erwin to help himself. You're not doing him any favors by encouraging this sort of thing. We need to put an end to this website delusion and set him on the path of righteousness, good metal health, Pop-Tarts and pizza with extra cheese. But no cheese on the Pop-Tarts. That's a taste sensation I could do without.

And in conclusion, I just want to add that I like red. Red has 3 letters. Red is for emergency!!!!

Thank you.
Piss off, freak boy.

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